To start things off, I called it two years ago: No Time To Die is going to suck

Fair warning – this review is full of spoilers and is interspersed with GIFs from previous Bond movies to convey my emotions and opinions.

Like most Bond fans, I was very excited to see No Time To Die. The two-plus year delay somewhat added to the hype but also annoyed me at the same time which was an odd feeling that I’ve never experienced for a new James Bond movie. Regardless, I saw it at the earliest possible showing.

It was not worth the wait. In fact, I’m almost angry that I know what happens in the movie now that I’ve seen it, rather than holding onto that feeling of “what is going to happen” prior to its release. No, it was not “five stars” like I saw in some reviews and it was certainly not a “masterpiece” as I saw in others. I’ll always be a James Bond fan, and there really is nothing like the feeling of sitting down in a theater and watching a James Bond movie for the first time, but No Time To Die certainly disappointed this longtime James Bond fan.

It’s bad overall, but it started off pretty good. The flashback to Madeleine’s mother’s murder was intense. Safin was ruthless. The murder was cold blooded. His mask was…interesting. But why did he have it? Did we come to find out that there was any significance? Is it worth spending $350 for a replica at the 007 store? Absolutely not. It was superfluous, like several of the plot lines and details we come to find in the movie. All Bond movies have these issues to some extent, but NTTD went overboard. I lost count of how many times I said “Huh?” and “WTF?” in my head during the movie.

So we move on. We see Bond and Madeleine together in Italy and in love – and really, the most believable companionship yet between the two. In prior movies, their relationship felt a little bit forced and fake. Not so much here. They looked in love. They looked like they had a real relationship and had been together for a while. The Louis Armstrong song throwback to OHMSS was perfect. And then they started reminiscing and talking about Vesper. You could tell the conversation wouldn’t end well, and it didn’t. Bond visits Vesper’s grave. Seeing the inscription, my first thought was “WTF, she was only 23?!”

The bomb goes off, Bond is blasted back. Wow, and a chase begins. But how long had the bomb been there? Who tipped the bombers off that Bond would be there? Come to find out, it was Vesper, then it wasn’t. She gets a phone call from Blofeld, who is in jail. What? Pretty sure I saw the Spectre logo on her phone. Did she have him saved as a contact and that was his contact picture? Bizarre. The DB5 chase was great, although no one wants to see that car get destroyed. I would have preferred the Vanquish in the chase, which was criminally underutilized.

And then Bond feels betrayed and leaves Swann. But I thought she was “the one” and he wanted to be together forever?! He just drops her like a bad habit…huh? Fast forward five years. Not a text? Not a call? Not an email? Did Bond block her on social media? I’m sure a text from her saying “we have a kid” would catch his attention – but that’s hindsight and taht storyline is something to address later. And then I start thinking about those five years. Did Bond just hang out? Did he get laid? He just completely shut off the world and fished? I don’t buy “five years.” Should have been a year or two, max. Whatever.

Then we get to the secret lab raid, which was great. Again, ruthless with the murders. I enjoyed the nanobot bioweapon concept and Project Heracles, and it was interesting, but it wasn’t perfectly executed. Moreover, M’s involvement and sneaky motives felt out of place. Although I can always appreciate Bond movies for thinking ahead tech-wise. Remember when Bond had a car phone in the 60s in From Russia With Love? Ahead of its time – probably here too. Although with the nanobots, it wasn’t lost on me that this movie was set to premiere during a global pandemic. The nanobots and their delivery was probably mulled over a ton and edited to oblivion. Do we drop the nanobots? Do they have to be transmissible by air? “Do NOT call it a virus.” A bit awkward. And I did love the magnetic drop technology down the elevator shaft – I wish Bond and Nomi used it somehow, to be honest.

And that brings us to Nomi. Overall, her character was great. She was a great actress, had good chemistry with Bond and held her own as a badass. But do I think she should have been given the 007 moniker? Absolutely not. It served zero purpose other than to dilute the Bond brand. James Bond *is* 007! Period! And then I get my wish – Bond gets 007 again. But then they don’t even give Nomi a new code number! Designate her as 008…anything! Such an easy detail that would have rounded out Nomi and her place in the Bond universe. A missed opportunity and a shame.

It was great to meet up with Felix again, and as usual, he was a breath of fresh air, as is always the case with any Jeffrey Wright. But jeez does the CIA have some staffing issues. Do their background checks actually complete? I didn’t like Logan Ash from the start and the entire audience knew he was fishy. Predictable.

But the Cuba mission was awesome. Paloma was a surprising character, and I have to say prior to seeing the movie I incorrectly predicted her to be either irrelevant or a try-hard when I first heard of the role. I was way wrong. She had great chemistry with Bond, and her humor was a memorable part where (at least in my anecdotal case) the audience audibly laughed together at her quips. I’m thinking we saw Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s humorous edits shine through with her. We got a neat, but odd tip-of-the-hat to Die Another Day with the Delectados cigars. I wonder why? I think I figured it out after the movie ended – but more on that later.

We then see all of Spectre get killed by the misprogrammed nanobot mist, at Blofeld’s apparent birthday party. Which he “attended” with his bionic eye. Which I guess is okay, but I’m pretty sure if Blofeld is held under the craziest of security in prison, as we see, wouldn’t they be able to find a bionic eye receiver or whatever it’s called fairly easily with a metal detector? Seems far fetched…but maybe there was some corruption he exploited in the prison? Another “huh?” moment that could have easily been explained with some middleman or plotline at the actual prison.

But regardless, back to Paloma – what a dress and what stunt work! And then she was gone. WHY?! Another missed opportunity…she should have tagged along with Bond and Nomi at least another leg of the mission more. But her interaction with Bond did give a glimpse into an important part of Bond movies that used to be a staple: Bond seducing a Bond girl. The Craig movies are great, but I do miss the debonair, womanizing Bond of old. Swann turned Bond into a softie, yes. But I’m glad that (hopefully) this is the last we see of a head-over-heels-Bond for many more movies to come.

Moving on, Bond hightails it out of Cuba after the very sad death of Leiter and interrogates Blofeld in prison. Aside from the bizarre vending machine Blofeld emerges from, I enjoyed the scene. As I thought in Spectre, Christoph Waltz’s performance was pretty good. He got too much hate in the last movie and I assume he will do the same here in other reviews. However, as with his muddled Bond relationship explanation in Spectre, his roundabout diatribe about how he again is the author of Bond’s pain (this time in the form of Swann’s fake betrayal) was convoluted and unbelievable. Overarching everything, how is he doing this from his prison cell? Via his bionic eye and his mumblings which were real conversations and planning he had with the outside world? Meh…

So Bond finally tracks down Swann to her childhood home. And finds her with a five year old girl, Mathilde. Oh, Mathilde. The first thoughts in everyone’s mind are obvious – is she Bond’s child? And I was delighted to hear Swann matter-of-factly address it: “She’s not yours.” Phew. James Bond does not have kids…we all know that. I’m sure we will find out who she is later, right? Thank god she’s not Bond’s…that would be absurd.

They leave, in a hurry, realizing they are being chased by Ash. Overall, it’s a pretty good chase, but there were several times where Mathilde’s presence was off-putting and inappropriate for a James Bond movie. You could even see some of the camera edits during the chase (which was overall okay) where they intended to make it feel like Mathilde was in no real danger, even though she was in the middle of a guns-blazing high speed chase. To be honest, she shouldn’t have been in the car. And to be even more honest, Mathilde’s character was unnecessary. She should have been left out and Swann just confirmed as pregnant if they absolutely felt it necessary to insert a kid into the Bond/Swann relationship. Which I’m not totally against at the outset but hated how they did it here. A pregnancy would’ve had the same effect of showing the seriousness of their relationship and future, without the forced suspense they attempted to elicit simply by having a kid in the movie and in the chase scenes. Bad form. There’s a reason there are no kids in Bond movies. They just don’t mix. If anything, they are treated as jokes or irrelevant to the plot…like the pissed off kid at the water pistol carnival game in Diamonds Are Forever or the elephant sales boy in The Man With The Golden Gun. But hardly anything close to this. Overall, as Mathilde’s stuffed animal was “dou dou” her character was “doo doo” and an eyeroll. Thumbs up to 007’s ruthless execution of Ash at the end of the chase, though.

So we move on to the abandoned World War II base, which I liked as a setting. And really, I enjoyed all of the settings in the movie – hats off to that aspect. But yet another gripe with the Craig movies is the casual bypass of the Bond/Q interaction as in Craig movies of old and to the most extreme here. The elaborate gadget intro, the curious walk through Q branch? All an afterthought and non-existent here. A rushed handing over of some lazy gadgets just puts a huge hole in the normal Bond formula for me. At least here he got *some* gadgets rather than a gun and watch as in Skyfall. But man…I’m not sure why the powers-that-be decided that the traditional Bond/Q relationship had to change. Who was begging for less gadgets in Bond movies? Another shame.

Regardless, Bond and Nomi drop onto the island in awesome but seemingly unnecessary flying jet things (HALO jump anyone?) and make their way through the terribly guarded headquarters of Safin. Which immediately made me think of: what the hell is this place and how could Safin afford it? He toppled the world’s worst criminal organization, almost on his own, without any reasonable insight into how he got where he is now. Emotionally, I get the “revenge” aspect on how he came to be Bond’s foe, but financially, what’s his deal? They needed to elaborate on Safin’s status in the criminal underworld. Stealing state secrets? An arms dealer? A drug kingpin? A missed opportunity to bring Safin’s sinister nature to life.

As Bond continues to infiltrate the island, this Bond fan had flashes of the volcano lair from You Only Live Twice and the emptying and filling of escape hatches similar to the satellite in GoldenEye. Nostalgia aside, the climax was certainly a muddled mess aside from Bond’s takedown of what seemed like dozens of baddies. I think it’s a record for Bond gun kills in a single scene. But yes, more explanation was needed into *how* the nanobots were apparently produced on this secret island. And why, again, are they produced? I get that they can kill whoever it is chosen to affect. But who is that exactly? We never really get insight into Safin’s grand, nefarious plan for…world domination? Genocide of a race? What was his end game here? I would’ve believed he was going to sell it to the highest bidder even and make off with millions of dollars…another “huh?” moment.

And then we encounter more excruciating moments whenever Mathilde was on-screen. I harken back to that she should never have been in the movie. We are to believe she is whisked away and held hostage, only to be let go at the last minute – I guess since Bond was infected and can no longer interact with her or Swann ever again Safin decided it was cool to let her go? The dire-ness of the situation fell flat. Surely, some sort of vaccine or protectant against the nanobots could be developed (a body suit?) so Bond could have some sort of future (Zoom calls?) with his new-found family. But no, this was the absolute end. No more going forward from here. The final Bond/Safin fight was okay, but I definitely cringed at the brutal arm break.

But that leads us to the end of the movie and easily the worst ending to any James Bond movie ever. EVER. I could totally relate to Bond’s desperate injured crawl to the top of the base only to be blown to bits with missiles (that apparently could not be aborted, mind you, no questions asked) now that everyone else was safely off the island. I found myself hoping some of those missiles made their way directly to my IMAX theater to end the misery of the movie if 007 was really going to die in a James Bond movie.

Repeat with me: James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die. James Bond doesn’t die.

Wasn’t the first director Danny Boyle rumored to be fired for wanting this in the script? If not, what else could have gotten him fired aside from this terrible, terrible end to this movie? What a slap in the face to longtime James Bond fans. I understand casual fans will have enjoyed the movie and even the COVID affected box office may show some positive signs for its reception. But this ending really is inexcusable. This ending was a tragedy never before seen in the entire history of the Bond movies, and I’m not sure it can ever be topped. Just awful.

And then longtime Bond fans are further tortured in the aftermath of Bond’s death (which is absolutely gobsmackingly horrendous to even type out) with an MI6 toast to 007 and attempted hat-tip Ian Fleming quote and another nod to the Louis Armstrong OHMSS song. Unfortunately at this point, the nostalgia kind of wore off this time around and it didn’t feel correctly placed, just forced and totally inaccurate. Especially seeing as how there really is no future for James Bond because he is dead as a doornail. And why oh why does Swann get to drive off in the DB5 with Mathilde? Pretty sure that’s government property and I hope Mathilde doesn’t accidentally trigger the ejector seat. Blah.

And the final, big “UGH” comes after the credits finish. “JAMES BOND WILL RETURN” I was happy to see it, no doubt, but we just saw him die! If the next movie is completely removed from the events of Craig, which is likely, it will be incredibly jarring and unfair to James Bond fans to just ignore that the world’s favorite secret agent was killed in the previous movie. How awful would that be if they don’t acknowledge it or somehow explain that Bond wasn’t killed in No Time To Die. With that, the next James Bond movie is already off to a terrible start. Therefore, the only real way I can see James Bond movies continuing without totally offending its biggest fans is to (and I can’t believe I am about to type this) reboot the entire thing back to the 1960s, and maybe have subsequent movies set in subsequent decades (ie. a 1970’s James Bond movie next, then a 1980’s movie, and so on)…could be fun.

At the end of the day, I’ve seen every James Bond movie in theaters since Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) and this was the first time I left a showing not thinking that the Bond movie I just saw was the best James Bond movie ever. It was also the first time I left a James Bond movie less excited than when I entered. The excitement was gone.

So where does No Time To Die rank among all other James Bond movies? It is easily the worst ever. Yes, worse than whatever other James Bond movie you are thinking of now. Including, you guessed it – Die Another Day – the Bond movie that tops most “worst” lists of James Bond fans. I knew there was a reason they chose an homage to Die Another Day with the Delectado cigars. Call me a Bond purist, a grump, whatever you want. But take any positive aspect of No Time To Die, and no matter what you choose, it’s easily overshadowed by the colossally atrocious ending, which goes against every previous Bond movie formula and aspect that has made the James Bond movies what they are today, or really, before No Time To Die. Hence why it’s the worst James Bond movie ever. At least they started the movie with the gunbarrel walk this time.